“Lord, if I start, please let me be able to finish.”
This was my prayer as I started homeschooling. At the time I meant please don’t let me get sick. Please don’t let me have to go back to work. Please just let me be able to finish what I start. See it was my greatest fear that we would get halfway through our journey and something would cause my girls to end up back in public school. If I started I wanted to be able to finish. When I was a new homeschool mom, it seemed like this should be my greatest fear.
Now years later the prayer is the same, but the meaning has changed.
As time passed I quickly learned that sickness or income wouldn’t be the only reasons to stop. In the beginning, I didn’t imagine that there would be days when I just want to quit. That’s right, I said quit. Sometimes I just don’t want to anymore. I didn’t anticipate how often I would feel inadequate or how frequently I would think that maybe my kids would be better off with someone else handling their education. I underestimated the struggle of entirely devoting every second of my life to another person and then feeling like it still wasn’t enough.
“Lord please let me be able to finish”
There are days that seem to go on forever. Most days my feet hit the ground early in the morning and late at night there are STILL things unfinished. This life is hard, and sometimes we minimize it and act like it isn’t.
Over the years I’ve talked to countless homeschool moms. Ask any of them their fears and they are always the same – doubt, inadequacy, and a healthy fear of failure. It’s a huge task to be responsible for someone’s education. Especially when that someone is a person that you love more than your own life.
Recently we discovered my youngest daughter is dyslexic. All of the doubts and fears that I have worked so hard to overcome came rushing back. I’m not a reading specialist; I don’t even have an education degree. I can’t do this. She deserves better than what I can give because honestly, I don’t know how much I have left to give. Quickly I started to shatter in doubts. I cried. I wanted to know why. Then I remembered my prayer, “Lord please just let me be able to finish.”
Then I realized…….on the days when I wanted to shatter in doubts, He has been faithful. When I have felt helpless, He was there. At every step of the journey, I have been covered. When I wasn’t enough, He was.
At the end of the day, homeschooling is my calling. It’s my God-given mission to educate my children. I’ve known this from the start. While I was woefully unprepared for the journey, God wasn’t. He is faithful to the end. The doubts and the insecurities, those are from me, not Him. Somedays I am my own worst enemy. I can choose to lay down and quit, or I can get up and finish my journey because He is faithful.
And while it’s entirely true that I’m not a reading specialist I am something more. I am her mother, and I am backed by an almighty God. No one loves her like I do, and no one has a greater desire to see her succeed than I do. There’s no reason why I can’t be enough.
I am plenty enough, and so are you.
So while the meaning has evolved the prayer is STILL the same. “Lord please just let me be able to finish.”
Not only just finish, but finish successfully because I expect big things from a big God. He knew my prayer from the beginning, and my doubts and fears come as no surprise to Him. Every inch of the way He has been faithful, so why should I expect any less with this mountain?